Holy Tears
by MadMidgetTwins
Summary: With only 2 months left of Dean's time, Sam is getting desperate to find a way of getting Dean out of it, in the meantime sending as many demons back to hell as they can. But something is happenning to Sam that neither of them can explain.
1. Chapter 1

**Holy Tears - by MadMidgetTwins**

We've been reading some amazing fictions on here for a while so we'd thought we'd attept at one. Our first fiction, so comments are loved!!

Chapter 1.

**Rating:** K +

**Summary:** With only 2 months left of Dean's time, Sam is getting desperate to find a way of getting Dean out of it, in the meantime sending as many demons back to hell as they can.

**Disclaimer:** We do not own supernatural or the characters Sam and Dean...unfortunately...or Bobby at that matter

* * *

It was an all too familiar scene. The devil's trap drawn perfectly on the ceiling, the possessed person tightly bound to the chair directly underneath. Sam and Dean, accompanied by Bobby, were getting to the final stages of the exorcism now. Dean was doing his usual 'I'm going to send all you sons of bitches to hell' routine, while Sam stood prepared to begin saying the usual incantation. 

"Hit it Sammy," said Dean, glaring at the demon in front of him. Sam smirked and began the ritual. The demon began thrashing around in the chair, and yelling in pain.

"You're going to….pay for this…you know," said the demon coldly, glaring at Dean. "When you're time comes, and you arrive in hell, you'll get what you deserve." Sam raised his voice, in an attempt to drown out what the demon was saying, while Dean simply ignored its crude remarks.

There would have been a time when Sam would have felt uncomfortable seeing a person suffer like this…but now, well he didn't really care. Part of him had changed since knowing that his brother was going to die. There was also the looming presence of Sam's destiny on both of the brothers. Perhaps knowing that there was demon blood in him made Sam think that his destiny was in fact inevitable, or maybe it was the fact that when his brother was gone there would be no one left to save him. Ever since that day Sam had become a little obsessed with trying to exorcise as many demons as he could find. Dean hadn't noticed, but somehow doing these exorcisms made Sam feel better….it gave him a sense of power over his life. If he was supposed to be their leader then sending them all back to hell would clearly tell them that he was _never_ going to let his brother down. Not again.

Dean was still yelling at the demon. That seemed to be his way of hiding the truth about how scared he really was. Whereas for Sam, well, he wasn't as good as hiding it as Dean. So far two people had died during an exorcism and Sam hadn't felt anything. That must mean something right? They were meant to save as many as they could.

Sam tried to concentrate on the exorcism but then he had this feeling. It wasn't emotion, it wasn't a 'sensation', and it certainly wasn't a vision. It was something else, some sort of pain. He shook his hand in an attempt to rid himself of this feeling, and continued the exorcism. _I'm just thinking too hard. Six exorcisms in one week, that's a heck of a lot. _

Dean continued to pace the room, walking around the demon, watching as the exorcism drew to its end. Then Sam felt it again. It was as if his insides were on fire, like something was trying to claw its way out of him. He paused for a moment and rubbed his eyes.

"Sam?" said Dean, looking at him. "What's the matter? Keep going." Sam just nodded and continued. The pain came back as soon as he opened his mouth. The demon in front of him was yelling, it was almost over. But the pain was too much. It wasn't a physical pain, it was more like a part of him was dying. He felt his fingers slip through the pages as the heavy book fell to the floor. He let out a gasp of pain and lent against the wall. "Sammy?" whispered Dean as he rushed over to Sam and grabbed his shoulder. "What is it? What's wrong?" Sam couldn't seem to find the power to say anything.

"You can't fight your destiny Sam," said the demon through gasps of air and pain. "You're meant to be our leader; you know you can't win a losing battle." Sam couldn't stand being in that room any longer so he just walked out of the room without saying a word.

"Sammy!?" yelled dean from back in the room. Dean turned to Bobby. "You finish this, and I'll see what's going on." Bobby nodded and Dean walked outside.

Sam was rubbing his eyes, taking deep, slow breathes. What was happening?

"Hey man are you ok?" said Dean, walking in front of Sam. Sam lowered his hand and looked at his brother.

"Yea," said Sam. "Yea…I'm fine. I guess I'm just tired." Dean stared at him. He knew his little brother wasn't telling him everything.

"No Sam you're not fine," said Dean. "What the hell was that about?"

"I said I'm fine," said Sam abruptly and he rushed back inside.

"Sam!" yelled Dean after him.

"You alright Sam?" asked Bobby as the brothers came back inside.

"Yea I'm fine," he said quickly. "Did you finish it?"

Bobby paused before he answered.

"He didn't make it," said Bobby. Immediately Dean looked at Sam, as though he was expecting some sort of reaction.

"These things happen," said Sam and he turned to face Dean. "Lets get a drink." Dean seemed a little taken aback by this comment, but agreed just the same.

"Dean would you mind giving me a hand with the body first?" asked Bobby. "Don't worry Sam why don't you just head down to the pub and Dean and I will take care of this?" suggested Bobby. Dean stared at him and Bobby hinted towards his offer.

"Umm, yea sure," said Dean. "Sam, I'll be there soon ok?" Sam looked at them both.

"Ok, don't take too long," said Sam, and he walked towards the car. Once it was clear Sam had left Dean turned to Bobby,

"Ok so what is going on Bobby, you know I don't like leaving Sam alone?" asked Dean.

"I need to talk to you," said Bobby, "about Sam."

"What about him?" said Dean awkwardly.

"Well, haven't you noticed, he's been acting a little, I don't know…different?" asked Bobby. Dean paused.

"Different?" he repeated. "What do you mean by that exactly?"

"Well you saw him today," said Bobby. "Something was wrong."

"You think I didn't notice?" said Dean. "He said he was just tired but I know there was more too it than that. But there's a war going on. It could be any number of things."

"I know that Dean," said Bobby, "but it wasn't just today. You know Sam, better than I do, and even I have noticed that he's been, well, less like himself. The exorcism today…it 'affected' him in some way, and I don't know why.""

"Well he has no reason to lie to me," said Dean. "He'd let me know if there was something wrong, I'm his brother and this is Sam we are talking about."

"I know, I just – " began Bobby, then he stopped. He had lost this argument, there was no point in continuing it. No one could persuade Dean that his brother was changing. "Let's just get rid of the body ok?"

--------

As Dean pulled up in the car-park of the local pub, he thought back over what Bobby had said. He was frustrated with him, and glad he had decided to stay home and not come out. _'He's been acting a little…different'. _Of course he's different, he died for God's sake. He's been up hours every night trying to figure out some way of getting his stupid brother out of the deal. There was only 2 months left to find a way. Dean had practically given up, but he could tell Sam was getting desperate. Dean tried to convince himself that Sam was just tired, there was nothing wrong…nothing to worry about. It wasn't happening…not yet.

Dean stepped out of the Impala and walked into the pub. The first thing he heard was Sam's voice.

"Hey Dean!!! DEAN!!" Sam was waving his arms at Dean, a beer in one hand. Sam turned to the bar tender. "That's him. That's my big brother." Dean walked over to Sam awkwardly. _Damn it Sammy, what are you doing_?

"Hey Sammy," said Dean. He looked at the array of empty bottles and glasses in front of Sam, and then glared at the bar-tender.

"See? What'd I tell you?" said Sam, patting Dean on the shoulder. "Isn't he great! This…is the best guy…you'll ever meet."

"Uh-huh," said the bar-tender, a hint of sarcasm in his voice.

"No he is," said Sam. "I'm lucky to have a brother like him. He'll do anything for me. Why don't you give us a couple more beers hey?"

"Uh no Sam I think you've had enough," said Dean. He grabbed Sam's arm and lifted him from the chair. He couldn't believe this, why would Sam get drunk like this? There was a war going on, surely he didn't feel responsible for that guy dying back at Bobby's? _Sam, you can't save everyone… not even me._

"What? No you just got here man," said Sam.

"Yea, but we should be getting back," said Dean, and he started ushering Sam towards the door. Sam staggered out of the bar, Dean supporting most of his weight. Then Sam knocked a chair over.

"Oops," said Sam, half laughing. "My mistake! Must have done it with one of my psychic abilities, see Dean? I can move things with my mind!"

Dean looked around the bar awkwardly. "Yea Sam," he laughed half heartedly, trying to make it seem like some sort of joke. "Those powers of yours." People in the bar were staring at them so Dean tried to get them out as quickly as he could.

Dean finally got Sam to the Impala, and opened Sam's door.

"Come on Sammy, let's get you back to the motel hey?" said Dean trying to get Sam in the front seat. It was strange for Dean to see Sam like this. He had only seen Sam like this once before, but it was different then. This time he wasn't laughing. He went around to the driver's side and got in.

-------

It had been a silent drive for at least five minutes, in which Sam had spent the entire time just staring out the window.

"You ok Sam?" asked Dean. _Ofcourse he's not ok. He's drunk. _He just wanted Sam to admit that he wasn't alright.

"Yea I'm great, why wouldn't I be?" said Sam, his speech still slurred.

"Well, first today during the exorcism…and now…" began Dean, "what's gotten into you?" He felt bad doing it, but it was the only way he could get Sam to talk about what was going on inside him. People show their true feelings when they are drunk.

"Can you stop the car for a second?" said Sam, placing his hand around the door handle. Dean pulled over and Sam quickly opened the door and vomited on the side of the road. Dean just sighed and patted Sam on the back.

"I'm sorry man," said Sam. "I didn't get any on your car did I? Damn it, I just mess everything up."

"What are you talking about Sam?" said Dean. "Look, lets just get you back to the motel ok? Its only a few minutes away and you can sleep it off." Sam didn't say anything and just shut the car door.

It was only a couple of minutes drive back to the motel, and once they arrived Dean helped Sam inside and started to help him onto his bed.

"Dean can you promise me something?" said Sam abruptly.

"Oh god what?" said Dean.

"Just…promise me you wont die," said Sam quietly. Dean looked into Sam's pleading eyes. _Why did he always have to do this?_

"What?" said Dean, not really thinking.

"Please…I don't know what I'll do without you," said Sam. "Who is meant to take care of me if you die?" Dean didn't say anything. "I mean look at me? I just mess everything up. Even when I was dead I still managed to screw things up."

"Sam don't talk like that alright?" said Dean. "You don't mess everything up."

"Yes I do," said Sam. "People always die….and soon you will too, and its always because of me!" Tears began rolling down Sam's cheeks. "I just want you to promise me you wont die….please. Just say you wont leave me." Dean didn't know what to say. He'd made a promise to Sam before, and he thought that those two words were the hardest he'd ever have to say…but it was different this time. Somehow it seemed worse. Not just because he didn't know he could keep it, but because he didn't want to give his little brother false hope.

"I promise," said Dean. No matter all the reasons telling Dean he shouldn't be doing it…he said it anyway. He'd do anything for Sam.

* * *

Comments greatly appreciated!!! 

Next chapter up soon...well thats the plan anyway


	2. Chapter 2

**Holy Tears - by MadMidgetTwins**

We've been reading some amazing fictions on here for a while so we'd thought we'd attept at one. Our first fiction, so comments are loved!!

Chapter 2

**Rating:** K +

**Summary:** With only 2 months left of Dean's time, Sam is getting desperate to find a way of getting Dean out of it, in the meantime sending as many demons back to hell as they can. But something is happenning to Sam neither of them can explain.

**Disclaimer:** We do not own supernatural or the characters Sam and Dean...unfortunately...or Bobby at that matter

* * *

Dean couldn't sleep. He just sat next to Sam's bed, watching him. It was the only time he ever really looked at peace, while he was asleep. But then Dean realized that that too was a lie. Even in the confines of his unconscious mind, he was still trapped in a world where the evil side was winning.

The truth was Dean didn't understand what was going through his little brother's mind...maybe he never really had. Sam wasn't a drinker, he'd only been like this once, and the occasion had been almost a replicate of the nights events. But last time Sam had just learned the truth about his destiny. What was his reason this time? Well the answer seemed obvious. Dean's time was coming to an end. Sam had spent hours trying to find an answer and had so far found nothing. He was running out of time. Perhaps that was why….he was afraid. It was only now that Dean realized…so was he. When Dean had made the deal all he was thinking about was having his little brother back by his side….he hadn't thought about what would happen _after_ Dean left him alone. Sam was obviously thinking about it too. '_Who will look after me when you are gone?' _When Dean died there would be no one there for Sam. No one to laugh with him. To cry with him. To make fun of him. To hunt with him. To help him. To die for him…..to save him.

There would be no one.

Sam moaned as he turned in his sleep.

"Don't worry Sammy," said Dean. "I'm not going anywhere…not yet. Not ever."

He didn't want to die. Not now that he knew Sam couldn't be saved if he was gone. He'd never really thought about dying before, and he didn't think he would be scared. He never wanted to admit it, but the truth was he only ever really felt safe when he was with Sam. Every hero needs a sidekick, and every hero needs a saviour. Sam needed protecting, and no one could be a better protector than he was. No….he wasn't going anywhere.

_This was one promise that he was going to keep._

-------

Dean sat at the small round table in the motel room, staring at the blank laptop screen. Sam hadn't woken yet, but he would soon. Then they would have a talk.

But there were things Dean didn't know. Things that Sam wasn't prepared to share. Sam only wanted Dean to be happy for the short time he had left, he didn't want to trouble him, though part of him wanted to give him a reason to stay.

Dean thought that the exorcism yesterday was just a one time thing. But it wasn't. Dean didn't know that ever since he'd made that deal a part of Sam had remained dead. Every exorcism since then Sam had felt something; it just hadn't been strong enough for him to truly notice. But yesterday he did, and he knew it meant something.

Sam turned on the bed nearby, and Dean saw his eyes slowly open. Sam ran his hand through his hair and then sat up slowly.

"Morning Sammy," said Dean. Sam turned to him. His face was pale and he had dark outlines around his eyes. He cleared his throat.

"Morning," he said quietly. He stood up slowly then walked to the bathroom and splashed his face with cold water. "Man I have the worst headache. You got any aspirin?" _Did he even remember anything? Or did he just think it was another night out?_

"Uh yea Sam," said Dean. He paused. "You had a bit to drink last night. You remember?" Sam was silent for a moment, then he sat on the bed.

"Yea…I know," said Sam.

"Why?" asked Dean, before he even thought about what he was saying. "Why are you doing this to yourself Sammy?" Sam remained quiet again. "You gonna say something? You gonna explain to me why you keep doing this?" Still Sam remained silent. "Damn it Sam talk to me!"

"Because I'm afraid Dean!" yelled Sam. His voice seemed to echo throughout the room. "And I know that I can't do anything about it." Dean didn't know what to say.

"Stop blaming yourself," said Dean. "That's what you can do. Stop taking all the responsibility. I made that deal. Its my fault that I'm gonna die. Not yours."

"That's not true and you know it Dean," said Sam. "If it wasn't for me, you would have never made that deal in the first place. I made you make that deal, so I should be able to get you out of it."

"Sam just stop!" said Dean quickly. "Just stop. Ok? I'm gonna die, and you can't stop it."

"No you're not," said Sam. "I'm going to stop it. I have before. If you die then – "

"What?" said Dean cutting Sam off. "You'll turn into the leader of the demon army? That's what you think will happen but it won't."

"How do you know that?" said Sam. "I mean, we both know that I'm already starting to change."

"No you're not Sam," said Dean. "We're in the middle of a war. We've all changed."

"No you don't understand," said Sam. He stared at the floor. Sam had been thinking about the exorcism. He'd been thinking about it last night too. Something was wrong. He didn't know what it meant that the exorcism affected him in such a way, or why, but he wasn't about to tell Dean about it just yet.

"What do you mean?" asked Dean.

"Nothing," said Sam quickly. "Lets just….get back to fighting."

"No, I can't ignore this Sam," said Dean. "not this time. If there is something you're not telling me…well I think you should. You said it yourself once. Sam, you're my brother. Whatever weight you're carrying, let me help a little."

"That was different," said Sam.

"Was it?" said Dean. "Please Sam…just let me do my job." Sam was silent. He didn't know what to say. He didn't want to hurt his brother. He didn't want Dean to realize that maybe he was changing, and that maybe he would become a monster, and couldn't be saved. He didn't want to tell Dean he had failed.

But what Sam didn't realize was that Dean was right. Dean could help. In fact he was the only one who could. Sam just didn't realize, because he'd already began to give up. There was no time left for hope...or dreams. Just failure.

"I can't," said Sam.

"Why not?" asked Dean. "Come on. I'm as much a part of this as you. Why can't you tell me?"

"Because I don't even know what it means yet," said Sam. "I don't want to trouble you with something if it might not mean anything. Especially when you only have such little time left. I want to enjoy it. I want you to remember me as I am now…as your brother." Dean walked over to Sam and looked him in the eye.

"Sam listen to me," said Dean. "I'm not leaving you. As long as you keep thinking like this then it will happen. You just need to have hope, remember Sam? Hope is the whole point." Sam nodded and Dean saw a single tear roll down the side of his face. "Now if you don't want to tell me what's going on then fine. But I'm not dropping this."

Dean's mobile rang loudly. _Why did it always have to ring at the worst times?_

"Yea," said Dean into the phone. Bobby's voice came from the other line.

"I have another demon."

------

Neither Sam nor Dean said anything on the drive over to Bobby's. It wasn't because they didn't know what to say, but because saying what they thought seemed to make the truth so much worse. Sam stared out the window, watching as the empty landscape glided past them. _Maybe he should tell Dean the truth? But what would he say? That when they exorcized the last demon Sam felt like he was the one sitting in the chair? _Nothing seemed to make much sense. No. There was no point saying anything. Not until it was more clear. Besides, they were on their way to do another exorcism, if it happened again, then maybe he would tell him. Maybe.

When they arrived at Bobby's Dean threw a sideward glance at Sam before he got out the car. Bobby walked over to them.

"I've got it tied up like the rest," said Bobby. "They seem to be getting careless. Two in two days."

"Yea," said Dean. "Stupid demons." Bobby turned to Sam.

"You look like crap Sam," he said. Sam tried to laugh.

"Thanks," he said.

"So lets get this thing done then," said Dean quickly, in order to make the conversation not go on any further. He didn't want Bobby getting involved too. The three men walked inside, and went straight into the 'exorcism room', as they had now called it.

"Why howdy Dean," said the demon. It seemed relaxed, and didn't even look like it was going to try and fight off the exorcism. Like it had got itself caught on purpose. Then it looked at Sam and smiled. "Sammy."

"You demons getting dumber every day," said Dean. "Sent one of you back to hell just yesterday." The demon laughed mockingly.

"Oh yes," said the demon, still staring at Sam. "We are much smarter than you think."

"And how is that?" said Sam, cutting into the conversation. Dean stared at him. Normally Sam just stood aside while Dean did his speech.

"I think you know," said the demon. Then it turned to Dean. "But does he?" Sam didn't say anything. He didn't look at Dean or the demon. He could see Bobby looking at the both of them with a confused expression.

"Enough of the talk," said Dean. "Lets get this started shall we?" He looked at Sam, who then began the ritual. The demon was just laughing. Dean could hear the small hint of pain behind the laugh but it was covering it well.

"You have no idea do you Dean?" it gasped. "Your brother has been playing you for a fool!" Sam's voice rose, in an attempt to drown out the demons cries. "You can't hide the real you forever Sam! You can't escape the inevitable!" _Why did the demons always do this?_ Every exorcism they said the same things. You can't escape your destiny. You are meant to be our leader; it's who you really are. Every time. Every time they tried to persuade Sam that he was the leader of the army, and that he had to fulfill his role. Why?

Then the pain started again. But worse. Much worse. _Why was this happening again?_ He tried to continue the exorcism but couldn't. The demon looked at him and smiled coldly.

"You feel it don't you," said the demon. "Feel the – " Dean threw half a bucket of holy water at the demon, stopping its taunts.

Sam felt a burning on his arm and saw that some of the water had got him. Why was it burning? Holy water only hurt demons? Was he turning into one of them? He tried to hide it so that Dean, Bobby or the demon wouldn't see.

"Sam finish this," said Dean. Sam opened the book again and continued the exorcism. The pain was still there but he had to ignore it. The demon gave one last laugh before the black smoke erupted into the air and was gone. Sam shut the book and walked outside. It hurt. It hurt so bad. He vomited behind a nearby bush. He didn't understand what was going on. First the exorcisms, and now the holy water. Maybe it was just that drop. It wouldn't happen again.

Dean ran outside. "Sam are you – " he stopped when he saw Sam hunched over. Maybe he thought it was still the alcohol. Thank God. He wouldn't suspect anything. Dean just sighed and then Sam walked over to him.

"I'm fine," said Sam, though he felt far from it. His hands were shaking, he was covered in a cold sweat, his head felt like it would explode and his arm was hurting. Once again he was forced to lie to his brother.

"Yea I can see that," said Dean, grabbing Sam's arm and leading him back inside. "Bobby, get Sam a glass of water." Sam and Dean sat down and Bobby soon appeared with two beers and a glass of water.

"Thanks," said Sam, taking a gulp, forgetting Bobby's water tank was holy. He felt his throat burn as it went down. He coughed and steam came from his mouth. He choked and put the glass down. Dean grabbed hold of him and slammed him against the wall.

"I knew it!" yelled Dean. "How long have you been possessing Sam?"

* * *

mwahahahahaha...ahem...well anyway, next chapter up soon hopefully

Comments greatly appreciated!


	3. Chapter 3

**Holy Tears - by MadMidgetTwins**

We've been reading some amazing fictions on here for a while so we'd thought we'd attept at one. Our first fiction, so comments are loved!!

Chapter 3

**Rating:** K +

**Summary:** With only 2 months left of Dean's time, Sam is getting desperate to find a way of getting Dean out of it, in the meantime sending as many demons back to hell as they can. But something is happenning to Sam neither of them can explain.

**Disclaimer:** We do not own supernatural or the characters Sam and Dean...unfortunately...or Bobby at that matter

* * *

Dean stared coldly into Sam's eyes.

"What?" coughed Sam, pinned against the wall.

"Don't play dumb with me," said Dean. "How long?" He couldn't believe it, though he had been suspecting it for a few days. _Sam was possessed, again._ Everything had been an act, part of the 'bigger' plan.

"Dean, please it's me," begged Sam. "I'm not possessed!" _How could this be happening?_ How could he think he was possessed? It was him. Sam. Dean's little brother.

"Oh yea," said Dean. "Then how do you explain the holy water? The exorcisms?"

"I don't know," said Sam. "I don't know what's happening to me."

"We should take him into the room Dean," said Bobby. "Get the demon out of Sam." Sam looked pleadingly into Dean's eyes.

"Yea," said Dean. He grabbed Sam's arms and began to lead him into the 'exorcism room'. Sam tried shrugging him off.

"Dean, it's not going to do anything," though Sam knew it would do something. But the demon in him was part of him. It couldn't be exorcised. Dean grabbed hold of Sam and pulled him towards the room. Sam tried shaking him off again but couldn't. He was still weak from the holy water, and his big brother was stronger than he was. He always had been. Once they reached the room Sam turned to Dean.

"Dean, please," he begged. "Do you really think I'm possessed? I'm your brother for God's sake!" Dean held Sam up against the wall again, their faces now only centimeters apart.

"You're not my brother." A look of hatred was in Dean's eyes that Sam had only seen once before. When he was about to kill the Yellow Eyed Demon. Sam didn't know this would hurt so much. His big brother didn't believe him, didn't recognize him, and didn't trust him. For the first time in his life, Sam was afraid of him. Sam could feel his eyes filling with tears. "You really are sick you know that?" said Dean coldly, staring directly at Sam. "Messing with people's minds like this. I know why you are doing this. It's the same reason why you've been letting yourselves get caught so easily. Risking being exorcised just so you can try and get Sam to turn into your leader. I guess this is all part of that same plan. Well I've told you before…you're not getting him."

Dean wasn't going to let them win. He wasn't going to let them take Sam from him, not again. Not when he had such little time left.

"When could I have been possessed? Huh? I've been with you all the time," said Sam. "I've been spending all this time trying to save you, why would I do that if I was a demon?" Sam could tell that Bobby was a little confused at what to believe, he could tell that Bobby was having second thoughts about the exorcism.

"Like I said," said Dean coldly, "you're sick. You demons always are. And that whole act you gave me last night? Being afraid…..making me promise not to die? Well I hope you got your kicks because I'm gonna make sure you burn in hell for it this time." Sam's body was aching. Not from the holy water, and not from the exhaustion or the effects of his hangover. But because the demons had finally got what they wanted. The one person that cared about him the most, that sacrificed everything for him, could no longer recognize him. He looked into his little brother's soul and saw only evil. The pain was more than he could bear.

"You really want to do this?" asked Sam, unable to control his tears. "Go on then, tie me to the chair, begin the exorcism. See what happens because I sure as hell don't know. I have no idea."

_My own brother has betrayed me. Why would he do that?_

_He's always been afraid of you, you just never accepted the truth before._

_No, he is just confused. I sure would be if he started reacting to holy water and exorcisms._

_Does that justify what he is saying? Does that really change the fact that he still thinks you're a monster?_

_I have to prove it to him somehow. Then we can talk, and he'll understand._

_But will you? Can you forgive him for this?_

_Of course I can._

_You really believe that? You should just give up. Give in to the evil side. That's all your brother sees. Stop fighting a battle you've already lost._

The look that Dean was giving Sam seemed to pierce his heart. Then Dean forced Sam into the chair and began to tie his wrists.

Sam didn't see the point in fighting back.

Bobby began the ritual. The pain didn't come straight away, which gave Sam another chance to say something.

"How can you do this?" he said quietly. He said it in such a way that made Dean feel awkward. He said it in a way that made Dean see the little brother inside the evil in front of him. _Don't worry Sammy. I'm going to set you free. _

Sam felt the pain hit him. It seemed worse than it was last time. Perhaps because the exorcism was aimed at him, and he wasn't the one saying it. Or perhaps it was because he was weak. Again he felt like his soul was being ripped from his body, but he didn't know what was left to be taken. He felt empty. Alone. He shut his eyes tightly and let out a small cry of pain. Maybe it would be better if he couldn't see the look of hate on his brother's face. Bobby paused, and Sam breathed heavily.

"Dean are you sure?" asked Bobby. Dean looked into Sam's pleading eyes, then back into Bobby's concerned face.

"I'm sure," said Dean.

_Just give in. Give in to the evil in you. You __can't fight this anymore._

_No.__.. I can show him that it's me._

_No you can't. Look at what he's doing to you. He doesn't trust you anymore. _

_But he's my brother._

_That doesn't matter anymore. He doesn't care._

"Dean…please," gasped Sam. "Don't do this."

Dean didn't say anything. He could see a flicker of fear in Dean's eyes now. Perhaps he could see that it really was Sam? Sam turned to Bobby.

"Bobby?" Sam was getting desperate. "You can tell…it's me…can't you?" Bobby paused yet again, and looked at Dean. Dean's expression had changed. Demons never begged.

Then suddenly a thought occurred to Sam. "Dean, look in my front left pocket."

"What?" said Dean perplexed.

"Just do it!" Dean reached into Sam's pocket and pulled out the small charm Bobby had given them both so many months ago. The ones that prevented demon possession. "You see that? Now _how _could I be possessed…if I had that?" Dean seemed frozen. He was trying to think of some explanation, anything to explain what had just happened. Bobby walked over to Sam and began untying him.

Dean didn't move.

"It's ok Sam," said Bobby as he helped Sam out the chair. "Let's get you something to drink." Sam looked Dean directly in the eye as he walked past.

Dean didn't know what to say. He didn't know what to think. He didn't know what to do. He didn't understand. He _couldn't _understand. He couldn't believe. Couldn't believe that he had hurt his brother. He had betrayed him…more than he could ever know. The consequences of this mistake would be more than Dean could ever imagine.

"I don't want a drink," said Sam. He wanted to get out. Get away from everyone. To be alone, somewhere quiet. Every instinct told him to sit down, to rest, to talk about what had just happened. But he couldn't. He couldn't stand it. He just walked out before anyone could say anything.

Dean turned and looked at Bobby, then kicked the chair Sam had been bound in moments before.

"Dammit Bobby!" he yelled. "How could I do that? Why did you let me do that?"

"Don't put this on me," said Bobby. "Just go outside, and talk to him."

"What am I supposed to say?" said Dean.

"Anything. Anything is better than nothing." Dean sighed and ran outside.

It was raining.

It didn't feel right seeing Sam walking down the road instead of sitting in the passenger seat of the Impala.

"Sam!" he yelled, as he ran to catch up to Sam. Dean could see Sam's stride slow, but he didn't stop. "SAM!" He saw Sam stop this time and turn to face him slowly. He was meters away but Dean could still see the tears rolling down his cheeks. He could still see the pain his brother felt. "I'm sorry Sammy." _Sorry. _He knew that wasn't enough. Sorry for what? For thinking he was possessed? For betraying him? For everything. "Please just….just get in the car."

"I'd rather walk," said Sam as he turned away.

"It's raining Sam," said Dean. "You'll get soaked."

"I don't care."

"Sam please."

"Just leave me alone!" Sam stopped to look at Dean again. "Please. Just leave me alone."

Sam began to walk away. Dean got into the Impala and drove alongside Sam slowly.

"Get in Sam," he yelled.

"No," said Sam. "I – " _What was the point? _"Do you think I can just act like that didn't just happen?" Dean looked at him. He looked at his brother, standing on the side of the road in the pouring rain, refusing to get into the car. He had hurt him. "You didn't trust me Dean. You thought I was a demon. What does that say? What am I? Have I really changed that much?"

"No, Sammy, you are still you… ok?" Dean didn't know how he could gain Sam's trust back. He just had to hope. "Please man… I'm begging you." Sam was still looking down the otherwise empty road. He was shaking from head to foot because of the rain. He was cold, hurt…. broken. He wanted to forgive Dean. But he could never forget.

Sam reluctantly got into the Impala, but didn't look at Dean. He just gazed out of the window.

"Thank you," sighed Dean. Again Sam ignored him. There was nothing else Dean could do but drive away. His brother back at his side….but for Sam, although he knew the exorcism hadn't done anything, he could still sense that somehow a part of him was gone.

-------

The drive home was silent. Neither Sam nor Dean knew what to say. What to think. What to feel. When they got back to the motel it was Sam who spoke first.

"How did it come to this?" Dean was shocked by Sam's sudden question. Dean closed the door and turned to him. "I mean, this war….we used to enjoy hunting. But now, it's like its never going to end."

"It will Sam," said Dean. "All wars end."

_The battle that raged inside would never end._

"I don't understand what side I'm on," said Sam. "It's like, I want to be on the good side…_your_ side….but I _belong_ on the bad side."

"No, you belong here," said Dean, taking a step towards Sam. "By my side, fighting."

"How can you believe that?" said Sam. "That's not what you thought earlier. The way you looked at me Dean. Like I was one of them. The person I'm _supposed_ to be." Dean didn't know how to respond. Sam was right. Besides, nothing Dean could say would change what he did.

"Sam, I'm sorry," said Dean. "And I know that that's not good enough, but I don't know what to say. I just want to make this right."

"Make what right?" said Sam. "I don't even know what's happening to me Dean. It's like ever since you brought me back nothing good has come out of it. We've sent a meaningless amount of demons back to hell, and now I can't even help do that. Now you're going to die in a couple of months because of it, and there's not a damn thing I can do about it. Then it'll just be me, unable to do anything, except join _them_…I should have stayed dead."

"No Sammy," said Dean. "Don't talk like that alright? I dunno what's going on either. But I'm sure we'll find a way to solve it. There's always a way."

Sam remembered what the Yellow Eyed Demon had shown him just before he died. He had demon blood in him. Maybe that was why he was reacting to exorcisms and holy water. But why now? Was his evil side finally taking over?

"Look, I'm gonna go and get some beers ok?" said Dean. "I'll be back soon, don't go anywhere." Dean opened the door, gave one last forced smile before closing it again. Sam heard the Impala drive away.

Sam never felt more alone. Why couldn't he just be normal again? Why couldn't things be like they used to be? Saving people, hunting things…side by side with his big brother. His protector. Now he felt so empty. He meant what he said to Dean. He should have stayed dead. If he were, Dean would live his life fully, fighting this war without worrying about him, saving as many people as he could. Now…well…he'd be dead soon, Sam would turn evil, the world would turn to darkness. When Dean dies…he would die too. And there was nothing he could do.

_No_. There was something he could do about it. He couldn't believe he hadn't thought of this before. It seemed obvious now. Dean would hate him for it, but it didn't matter, he would live, the war would be won, and everything would be ok. Part of him was afraid to do it, but he was certain it would work. After everything that had happened that day, he'd never been more certain of anything in his life. Dean would be back in what: twenty minutes? That was enough time. Maybe even more than enough. Just long enough so Dean couldn't bring him back again.

"I'm sorry Dean," Sam said into the silence.

-------

Dean had been sitting in the Impala outside the motel for at least ten minutes. He was so confused about what was going on. Maybe he should have told Sam what the Yellow Eyed Demon had told him? _How certain are you that what you brought back is 100 pure Sam?_ It had been haunting him ever since. But maybe telling him he was part demon would make things worse. No. No more lies. He would tell Sam the truth. He deserved to know. Then he would apologize, a thousand times if he had to. He just had to make Sam understand that it was all worth it. Life was worth living. The war was worth fighting. That he had been worth saving.

Dean marched confidently to the door, a twelve-pack under one arm.

The first thing he saw was the knife, then his little brother sitting in a pool of his own blood.

The silence was deafening.

* * *

ok we take no responisbilty for deaths caused from depression lol.

next chapter up soon hopefully.

as always..comments are loved!! thanx so much for the great ones so far!!!


	4. Chapter 4

**Holy Tears - by MadMidgetTwins**

We've been reading some amazing fictions on here for a while so we'd thought we'd attept at one. Our first fiction, so comments are loved!!

Chapter 4

**Rating:** K +

**Summary:** With only 2 months left of Dean's time, Sam is getting desperate to find a way of getting Dean out of it, in the meantime sending as many demons back to hell as they can. But something is happenning to Sam neither of them can explain.

**Disclaimer:** We do not own supernatural or the characters Sam and Dean...unfortunately...or Bobby at that matter

* * *

It was like a silent explosion. The sound, the feeling of waiting to know whether a loved one was alive or dead.

Empty. Cold. Numb.

Dean had forgotten that the hospital felt like that. He had forgotten what it felt like to have his brother's blood on his hands, his dying body in his arms. He had forgotten what it felt like to know that his brother could die at any moment. No. That part was a lie. He felt that every day.

Dean paced the waiting room. He wondered why they had chairs in there. Did anyone ever sit on them? He could hear the dull ringing from the phone as he tried to contact Bobby. He didn't even know what to say.

"Dean?" came the somewhat astonished voice of Bobby.

"Bobby," began Dean, "its…its Sam…he… oh my god Bobby…I just went to get some beers…and….and then…he was just sitting there….what have I done? It's all my fault…it's…"

"Hold on Dean, slow down," said Bobby. "Where are you? What happened?"

"Sam, he tried to – " Dean began. He couldn't even say the words, as though saying them gave them more permanence…made it seem more real. "I'm at the hospital."

_The first thing he saw was the knife, then his little brother sitting in a pool of his own blood._

_The silence was deafening._

_The 12-pack of beer crashed to the floor as Dean knelt down beside Sam. The knife was held loosely in his right hand, and large gashes covered both his wrists._

"_Sam!" he yelled into the silence, as he shook Sam's jacket._

_Silence. Numbing silence. _

"_Oh God Sam no!" he yelled. "NO! Don't you dare do this to me! Not now!" _

_The silence broke. Sam let out a groan._

"_Sammy?" said Dean, lifting his brother's head slightly so he could stare directly into his eyes. His eyes opened just enough so that a tear could roll slowly down his pale cheek. "It's ok, I'm gonna get you to a hospital ok? You're gonna be fine."_

_He ran to the bathroom and grabbed a towel. If he could just stop the bleeding. He wrapped towels around both his wrists though he knew it wouldn't do much. "Damn it Sam! What the hell where you thinking!?" Dean hastily dialed 911 and waited for a response. "An ambulance! I need an ambulance now!" What was he doing? He'd get there quicker than they would waiting for an ambulance to get there. He walked over to Sam and awkwardly lifted him onto his back. "Come on, lets get you out of here."_

_There was blood everywhere._

"Dean? Dean are you there?"

Those moments would be forever imprinted on his mind.

"Dean!"

Dean cleared his throat. "Yea, Bobby, I'm here. Just get here as soon as you can would you?"

"I'm on my way," said Bobby. He didn't sound half as scared as Dean felt. Dean continued to pace the room. He had only arrived ten minutes ago. He had been surrounded by nurses and doctors as they hastily rushed Sam away, and forced Dean into some small room with a couch and a picture of a fish wearing a bow tie.

So far he had heard nothing of his condition. Nothing.

The thing that was bothering Dean the most was why? Why would Sam want to get out? To leave? To escape? Sure they'd had one hell of a day, but his brother didn't give up that easily. He was stronger than that. A fighter. Did he somehow think that he was helping Dean by doing this? Did he think maybe it would get him out of the deal? Or was he just tired. Tired of fighting, to find a way of getting Dean out of the deal, of escaping his destiny…..of everything.

If…no, _when_….Sam got through this….he would know.

-------

The sun was shining a beautiful gold. The laughter of children filled the air, mixed with the sound of birds and the smell of grass.

Sam Winchester was lying on a park bench, looking at the sky. He sat up abruptly. _What the?_ He pulled up his sleeves and saw his wrists were fine. Perfect. He was healthy. In fact, he felt more alive than he had felt in a long time.

Then he recognized the park he was in. It was the park he had met Jessica. The park that held so many happy memories with her. Lying on the grass in Summer, walking along the twisting paths cuddled together. He had planned to propose to her here. It all seemed like another life now.

And then he saw her. Jessica was walking towards him, looking more beautiful than he could remember. The last time he had seen her she had been burning on the roof of their apartment. Well, he had seen her stood on the side of the road once but that wasn't her.

"Hi, Sam," she said. Her voice seemed distant, though she was stood only a few feet away. Something about her didn't seem real. She couldn't be real. Where was he?

"Am I dead?" Sam asked suddenly. Jessica smiled and Sam felt a knot in his chest. He missed that smile. That smile of comfort, of warmth, of love.

"No," she said.

"Where am I?' asked Sam. "How can you be here?"

"You are dying Sam," said Jessica abruptly. "You don't belong here. You have lives to save. You need to fight, and get back to the real world." Sam stared into her eyes. He was tired of fighting. Dean was going to die soon, he didn't want to be there alone. He didn't want to turn evil alone.

"What if I don't want to fight?" asked Sam. "The world doesn't need me."

"Your brother does."

-------

Bobby practically ran into Dean as he came down the hospital corridor.

"Bobby?" said Dean. "Thank God." Dean lent forward and hugged Bobby, who was merely stood there momentarily stunned. "They won't tell me anything, I don't know what's going on, or how he is or anything."

"It's ok Dean," said Bobby, trying to calm Dean down. "You just have to let the doctors do their thing. Just sit down for a minute and tell me what happened ok?" Dean nodded and sat down in the nearest chair and took a swig from his flask.

"Umm, well I went to get beer you know?" said Dean, trying to be calm. "When I got back he was just…just lying there….and….he….he tried to kill himself Bobby. How could he do that?" Bobby didn't really know what to say. He had to think of something to make Dean feel better.

"I'm sure he'll be fine Dean," said Bobby, though he knew that it wasn't looking good. He didn't dare ask Dean how Sam had tried to kill himself, how long Sam had been alone, he knew Dean couldn't bear it.

"But…there was so much blood Bobby," whispered Dean. Then he stood up quickly. "I have to see how he is." Before Bobby even got a chance to suggest otherwise Dean had already found a doctor to interrogate "Where's my brother? I want to know how he is."

"I'm sorry sir," said the doctor, "but I don't know. What's his name? Maybe I can find something out for you?"

"It's ok doctor," said Bobby who had just arrived at Dean's side. "We can wait."

"No we can't, where is he?" demanded Dean. Bobby just stared at Dean. He grabbed him by the arm and tried to force him away from the doctor. Bobby knew Dean wasn't thinking straight. He was confused, and scared. The only thing on Dean's mind was his brother. He wasn't thinking about the fact that there was most likely going to be a psychological consult, possibly police involved, who knows? But there was no way that the news of Sam Winchester trying to commit suicide would stay quiet. Then Dean would be screwed. Dean hadn't thought this through. In fact, coming to a hospital was the worst idea Dean could have made, especially with the amount of demons still out there. What if one of the doctors where possessed? Then what? Or worse, both Dean and Sam where vulnerable to demonic possession, it wouldn't take much for that to be so.

Bobby was the one that had to keep everything together.

-------

"So, is this all in my head?" Sam asked Jess.

"In a sense, yes," Jess replied. "More like your minds final battle to stay alive. It's up to you to decide whether your mind dies with your body."

"I don't understand," said Sam, looking around the beautiful park. Jessica stood in front of him. It was almost perfect…almost. The only thing missing was his brother. "Dean didn't even recognize me anymore in the real world. I don't have anything to go back to."

"Yes you do Sam," said Jessica softly. "Don't you see? It's not what you don't have, it's what you are leaving behind. It's about what will happen if you are gone….what do you think will happen to your brother if you are not there to guide him?"

"Guide him?" repeated Sam. "No, I was always dragging him down. He was the one that always had to help me, not the other way around."

"You don't get it do you Sam?" said Jessica. "He's always needed you. He's only the carer, the protector…the savior that he is because of you. Who would he be if he didn't have you to protect?" Sam hadn't really though about that before. "Maybe I should show you?"

In what seemed like a second Sam was stood in a graveyard. It was cold, dark, and empty, except for one man. The figure was sat next to a headstone drinking from a bottle of whiskey. It was only as Sam walked closer that he realized it was Dean, sitting beside his grave.

"Happy Birthday Sammy," Dean said pouring a bit of whiskey onto the dirt. Sam could see the tears on Dean's face. "You know, I was your age when we first started hunting together? Funny…..how time flies." Dean took another swig of whiskey. He looked worn, tired, and a lot older than the last time Sam had seen him. "Mandy left me today. Said I drink too much, spend more time here than I do with her. But what does she know right? You're the only one that ever really knew me." Dean just sat there staring at the headstone. Sam could clearly see the words 'loving brother' stand out in the night. He wondered what his funeral would have been like. In fact, he was surprised that he even had a grave. Their dad didn't have a grave.

"Dean?" Sam whispered as he walked over to his brother.

"He can't hear you Sam," said Jessica from behind him. Dean took another swig from the bottle that was almost empty.

"What are you showing me?" Sam asked.

"The future," said Jessica. "Your brother will end up an alcoholic, he'll stop hunting. He'll give up Sam. Now do you really think that he doesn't need you?"

"But he's alive," said Sam. "If I go back then that would be his head stone instead of mine, and I'll probably become who I'm supposed to be."

"Who you're supposed to be is a brother," said Jess. "You've always been a fighter Sam. Why have you now decided to give up so easily?" Sam was quiet for a moment. The silence was broken by Dean's voice.

"You know I've been asking myself," said Dean, "why I didn't just do another deal to bring you back? But I figured that's not what you wanted right? I should just let you have your way for a change. I doubt they would have let me get you back anyway. I just….I miss you so much man, and I just want you to know….that…..that you were the best hunter I've ever seen. And I'm not just saying that for the hell of it, because it's your birthday, but I really mean it. You were a good hunter Sam, and I was always to stubborn to admit it. My pain in the ass little brother…a good hunter? You didn't go crazy like me, you always took in the facts, the details, kept me under control, and somehow you kept calm even if you knew we were screwed. So I thought you should know. And seeing as it's your birthday, I thought it was time that I gave you this." Dean took off the amulet that he always wore. Sam had never seen him take it off before, except for when the shape shifter took it. Dean lifted up a bit of dirt and buried the amulet right in front of Sam's headstone. "Happy birthday little brother."

A tear rolled down Sam's cheek.

The sky turned an ever greyer colour, and it began to rain. Funny….how it always seemed to be raining. Then Sam felt a sharp pain in his chest. He fell to the floor.

"What's happening?" said Sam, his brother in front of him coming in and out of focus

"You are letting go," said Jessica. "Fight Sam, you must fight!"

He saw a flash of Dean, running towards him, being held back by nurses.

_Don't you die on me dammit! Don't you die on me!_

"Dean?" said Sam into the cold air.

_Sam!_

_Bobby was crying._

-------

"We need help in here!" came a yell from nearby. A nurse had opened up a door and yelled out. He could hear beeping sounds and hurried footsteps. The doctor Dean was talking to ran into the room. Dean followed but did not enter at first. There was only a small circle of glass to see through into the room in front.

His brother was lying on the table, surrounded by doctors, nurses and machines.

"Sam!" Dean yelled, and burst into the room. He felt a hand grab his arm, but knowing it was Bobby shook him off. "Sam!" Dean yelled again. Several nurses came over to him.

"Excuse me sir, but you can't be in here," said one of them.

"That's my brother! What going on? What's happening?!" he yelled. Machines were beeping everywhere.

"We're losing him," said one of the doctors.

"No we're not," said another one, shocking his brother.

The room seemed quiet. Dean felt like he couldn't breathe. His brother's broken body was lying in front of him, being shocked over and over in pathetic attempts to bring him back.

Empty. Cold. Numb.

"That's it, I'm calling it," said one of the doctors.

"No!" Dean yelled, running towards his brother, but several nurses held him back. "Don't you die on me dammit! Don't you die on me!" He was so close, he couldn't be gone. He couldn't be dead. He was right in front of him. Dean felt if he could just hold him, then maybe he couldn't let go. Sam couldn't die. Not again. "Sam!"

Bobby was stood in the doorway, a tear trickling down his face.

Then as soon as it had all began, the monitor showing a flat line showed a pulse.

His brother was alive.

"We've got a rhythm," said one of the doctors again. "I don't understand it but he's still with us." The doctor turned to the nurses holding Dean. "Get him out of here." The nurses forced Dean towards the door.

"Please wait out here," said one nurse.

"Let the doctors do their job Dean," said Bobby, leading him away from the room. "It's up to Sam now."

_He had chosen to fight._

"Why don't you go back to the motel room," said Bobby. "Get some sleep, I'll call you if anything happens."

"I'm not going anywhere," said Dean.

"Dean, please," said Bobby. "How about, you get some of Sam's things ready for when he wakes up?" Dean looked at him. He knew he should go back to the motel, but he couldn't bear to go back into that room again.

"I'll be twenty minutes at the most," Dean said. Bobby didn't see the point in arguing.

-------

Dean sat in the Impala outside the motel room. What if he had just gone in earlier? Instead of sitting there. Maybe it would have helped. Maybe he could have stopped him. Dean slowly opened the door and walked over to the room. He slid the key into the lock and opened the door.

He could still see the blood on the carpet, the knife lying on the ground.

"_NO! Don't you dare do this to me! Not now!"_

Dean noticed that not one of the beer bottles had smashed as he dropped them. Dean walked into the bathroom and looked at his reflection in the mirror. Then turned the tap on.

His brother's dried blood stained his hands. He hadn't noticed until now. He began to rub them with soap and water, but it wouldn't come off. The blood wouldn't wash away. He turned the tap off and rubbed his hands hard with the towel. The blood still remained.

Then he saw a small piece of paper lying on the table. He walked over to it and lifted it up.

It bore only two words.

_I'm sorry_

Dean felt the paper slip through his fingers, and he cried.

He just cried.

* * *

comments are loved!!! we decided to spare the beer bottles hehe


	5. Chapter 5

**Holy Tears - by MadMidgetTwins**

We've been reading some amazing fictions on here for a while so we'd thought we'd attept at one. Our first fiction, so comments are loved!!

Chapter 5

**Rating:** K +

**Summary:** With only 2 months left of Dean's time, Sam is getting desperate to find a way of getting Dean out of it, in the meantime sending as many demons back to hell as they can. But something is happenning to Sam neither of them can explain.

**Disclaimer:** We do not own supernatural or the characters Sam and Dean...unfortunately...or Bobby at that matter

* * *

When Dean arrived back at the hospital there was a doctor talking to Bobby.

"What's going on?" asked Dean, as he approached the two of them, expecting the worst.

"Sam's pulled through," said Bobby. "The doctor's say it's a miracle, but he should be fine."

Dean felt a warmth wash over him. His brother was going to be ok. Thank God.

"Can I see him?" Dean asked.

"Yes, but he isn't awake yet," said the doctor.

"I don't care, I just want to see him," said Dean. The doctor nodded and led Dean and Bobby to a bed in which Sam lay, looking peaceful. Bandages were wrapped around his arms, a few tubes sticking out here and there, but otherwise, he looked fine.

"I'll just, give you a minute," said Bobby, closing the curtains and leaving Dean alone with Sam. Bobby always seemed to understand. Dean felt really grateful for everything Bobby had done for them after their father had died. He needed to make it up to him somehow.

Dean pulled up a chair and sat by Sam's bed. He looked so calm, so untroubled. He didn't look as though there was so much hurt in him, so much confusion, so much anger.

"Hey Sammy," said Dean quietly. He knew Sam couldn't hear him, but somehow it helped talking to him. "Doctor says you're going to be fine. Maybe now we can go to the Grand Canyon huh? I'll drag your ass along this time, I don't care what you say." Dean smiled sadly, looking at his unconscious brother. What could he possibly say when he woke up? What would Sam say? What would they do now? "You know you really scared me Sam. I know you've probably got some long winded noble reason why you did it, but that's not going to stop me kicking your ass when you wake up." Dean gave a faint laugh but it died away almost instantly when he realized how helpless Sam looked. No matter how much they had been through, no matter how much they had seen and done together, the greatest enemy had been himself.

But Dean didn't realize that Sam _could _actually hear him.

Sam moaned a little in his sleep. Dean sat up thinking for a moment that Sam was going to wake up…but he didn't. Sam just continued to sleep. He felt angry at Sam. He felt bad about feeling that way but he couldn't help it. Sam had tried to kill himself. What had pushed him so far? How could anyone want to end their life by their own hands? How could they have the strength? He would have left Dean alone in the world, to fend for himself. How could Sam possibly think that Dean would be able to cope without him? What excuse did he have? It was only then that Dean realized, that was exactly what he was going to do to Sam. This was how Sam was going to feel when Dean left him…. and Dean hated it.

Sam still didn't know if he was alive or dead, having being stood beside Jessica only moments ago. Now…he didn't know where he was. But he could hear Dean's voice. Calming. Kind. Safe.

Then he opened his eyes, and the first thing he saw was Dean's face looking at him.

"Sammy?" Dean said uncertain, as though he wasn't sure it was really Sam in front of him.

Sam blinked several times and then looked around. He was in a hospital? He was alive. He didn't know how to feel. Happy? Angry? He wasn't even sure he wanted to be alive. What felt like days ago he had been holding a knife to his wrists, certain that he wanted to end it all. To let go, to be free. But now, he didn't know. Part of him wanted to keep fighting, and felt guilty for even considering leaving Dean. What had Dean been through in the last few hours?

"It's ok," said Dean calmly. "You're in the hospital. The doctor's say you should be fine." Dean smiled weakly. Sam could tell that he was avoiding asking why.

"Dean, I – " began Sam, but he stopped. He didn't know what to say. _I'm sorry. _What good would that too, and he had already told him that. Part of him wasn't sorry. Part of him wished that he had done the job properly so he wouldn't have to face this. But he hadn't died, he had decided to fight, and he would have to deal with that. To be honest, he didn't really understand himself what he had done. How could he explain the feelings and thoughts that had gone through his mind in those crucial moments before he picked up that knife? And then, how could he explain what made him keep fighting? That he'd seen Jess in some park, that he'd seen what would become of Dean if Sam gave up now? That he saw what would happen, and in turn, was even more afraid?

"Save your strength Sammy," said Dean. "It's been a hell of a night."

There was an awkward silence for a moment.

"Dean, I…I wanna talk about this," stuttered Sam. "I_ need_ to talk about this."

Dean looked at him.

"So do I," said Dean.

There was silence again.

"I don't know what I would have Sam," whispered Dean. "I mean….last time…..when I was alone…I couldn't bear it. Then knowing that this time…something had made you want to….." he didn't finish the sentence. "I know I've told you this before. But….you are the most important person in my life, I can't let anything happen to you."

There was silence again, where Dean had now resorted to looking at the floor. Sam could see the tears in his eyes.

"I'm sorry Dean," said Sam. "I know that doesn't mean much, but I really am. You were right, I really am a selfish bastard." Dean didn't know what to say to this. Somehow, when he knew they would talk once Sam had woken up, he didn't expect Sam to say that. Or perhaps he didn't want him to?

"No your not Sammy," said Dean. "You had a lot of reasons and none of them were selfish. They were just wrong. You have too much left to give to let go now."

Silence. Again there was silence. These pauses seemed cold as ice. As though they were emphasising an absence of sound rather than a quiet, peaceful moment.

"I just...I just wanted it all to go back to the way it used to be you know?" said Sam. "All this. It hurts like hell. I miss the old you." Dean stared at him.

"I know its hard Sam," said Dean. "But you can't just give up. You told me that once. It's all worth it. The people we save – "

"But that's not my point Dean," interrupted Sam. "I'm changing, you don't even recognize me. Saving people isn't enough anymore. And soon, I don't even know if I'll be doing that. And…you'll be gone."

"Sam, listen to me," said Dean. "You need to stop thinking like this. Stop thinking that I'll die, you'll turn evil and more people will die. Because the more you think like that the more likely it'll happen. You _can _fight this Sam. I know it."

"But what if I can't?" asked Sam.

"You can."

"_No, don't Dean, I'll fall off," said Sam, scared. Dean was holding the bike steady. No training wheels. One of the few moments they had a chance to do normal kid things._

"_You're a big boy now Sammy," said Dean. "My Sammy doesn't need extra wheels. You can do it all by yourself."_

"_But I'm scared Dean," said Sam, holding onto the handle bars tightly._

"_Don't worry, I'm gonna be right here with you all the way," said Dean. "Just pretend they are still there. If you keep thinking you are gonna fall off then you probably will. So don't think like that. Ok?"_

"_Ok," said Sam uncertainly._

"_Ready?" said Dean. Sam nodded, and Dean began to push the bike._

"_No, stop, stop!" yelled Sam, and Dean stopped pushing. "No don't, I can't do this."_

"_Yes you can Sammy," said Dean. "I know you can." Dean smiled, and then Sam nodded yet again. Dean began to push the bike. They got faster and faster, and then Dean let go, though still running alongside him._

_He was moving. All by himself. No wheels. No Dean. Just his little Sammy._

-------

"How is he?" asked Bobby, as Dean walked over to him in the corridor. Sam needed some more rest.

"Ok, I think," said Dean. "He's still…you know…" Dean didn't need to finish the sentence. Bobby understood.

"Excuse me, Dean Winchester?" asked a nearby doctor. It was the man Dean had yelled at.

"Yea, that's me," said Dean. "Listen I'm sorry about before."

"No it's fine," said the doctor. "I've had worse. But I need to talk to you about Sam."

"Ok," said Dean. "Why? What's wrong?"

"No nothing is wrong," said the doctor, quite calmly. "It's quite the opposite actually. He seems to be healing rather well, and quicker than we anticipated."

"Well, that's good isn't it?" said Dean.

"Yes, of course," said the doctor quickly. "It's just…unusual." Dean didn't say anything. Ok, so Sam was healing quickly, that wasn't unusual, was it?

"There is something else too," said the doctor. "As Sam was clearly an attempted suicide, he will need to have a psych evaluation."

"No," said Dean. "I'm not having some shrink down here talking to my brother." The last thing he wanted was some shrink screwing up Sam's mind more than it already was.

"Its necessary sir," said the doctor. "It needs to be determined whether he is still a suicide risk and if he needs to be kept here longer."

"No you are not keeping, or taking my brother anywhere," said Dean. "It's not going to happen again. That I can promise you." The doctor didn't seem convinced.

"Well, I'm still getting a consult and we can see what she says shall we?" said the doctor, though it wasn't a question.

"Ok fine," said Dean. "Maybe one talk would be good, and then she'll realise that he's fine and we can go home, right?" The doctor simply nodded and walked away.

"Dean remember we have to be careful," said Bobby, while Dean was still glaring at the doctor.

"_He_ thinks I can't take care of my brother," said Dean angrily. "He doesn't think that I can look after him myself, but he's wrong."

"I know perfectly well that you are capable of looking after Sam yourself," said Bobby. "It's not like they can do anything anyway is it? You are both adults. I just don't want you to cause too much trouble. If the cops hear about this – "

"I don't care about them," said Dean, though truthfully he had forgotten that he was on the run from the law. "I just want Sam to get better and then we can get the hell out of here. I hate hospitals." Dean tried to laugh slightly. He was feeling a little better now that he knew Sam was going to be ok, but he couldn't shake the feeling that this wasn't going to go away for a long time.

-----

"I'm sorry but this has to be done in private, no relatives are allowed," said the doctor for what seemed the hundredth time.

"Ok, Ok, I'm going," said Dean. The psychologist was stood there, glaring at Dean, but Dean just gave Sam a faint smile and walked away.

"So, Sam Winchester?" said the psychologist. "I'm Emily." She smiled and then sat down by the bed. Sam just remained silent, wishing his brother was back in the room. She was too cheerful.

"I would like you to tell me what happened back in the motel room, if that's not too hard for you?" she said kindy. What was the point of this question? Sam knew perfectly well that the doctors would have told her everything.

"Haven't the doctors told you?" said Sam. She simply smiled again.

"Well, yes they have but I'd like to hear it from you," she said calmly. Sam didn't feel like talking all that much, especially to a complete stranger. Sam still didn't say anything. "Ok, I'll try a different question. Why did you try and kill yourself Sam?" From the mouth of a complete stranger, saying it like that made it seem so much worse.

"It's complicated," said Sam. Emily simply stared at him.

"That's what everybody says Sam. But I can help you."

"I don't need help," said Sam, a little too quickly. "I have my brother. He knows me better than anyone….he _understands_. Besides, it was just a bad moment that's all…..its not gonna happen again."

"A bad moment that almost cost you your life?" said Emily. "Your brother won't be there forever Sam." She didn't know how right she was.

"Yes he is," said Sam. "He promised me." Emily wrote down something on her little notepad. "Look can we just get this over with. I'm not like all your other patients. I didn't try and kill myself."

"Oh really?" said Emily, writing more things down. "Sure looks like you did? Was it an accident then?"

"No I didn't mean it like that," said Sam, though he felt like he was just making things worse. "I'm not suicidal. I just had some crazy idea go through my head ok? I was feeling…angry….and it was a stupid thing to do…..I know that. But I feel great now."

"Thankyou Sam," said Emily as she stood up getting ready to leave.

"What that's it?" asked Sam, a little shocked.

"Oh no," said Emily, her back to Sam. "Far from it." She turned to face him….her eyes glowing red_. "It will never be over. You best start saying goodbye to your brother now Sam, his times nearly up. Sweet dreams."_ Emily's eyes turned back to their normal shade. She smiled a cold smile, and then walked away.

Sam was left feeling more afraid than ever. What had just happened? How could a crossroad demon be in the hospital? How come Sam seemed to feel much better than he was supposed to be in just a few hours? Why was he reacting to exorcisms? _What the hell was going on?_

The curtain was pushed aside as Dean walked beside Sam's bed.

"That wasn't very long," said Dean. Then he surveyed Sam for a moment. "Are you ok?"

"Yea," said Sam, trying to look completely calm. "Yea, I'm fine. Great actually. I just….I just want to get out of here."

"Yea well," said Dean, "the doctors don't want you to leave yet, even though they say your physical state is almost perfect again."

"Why is that do you reckon?" Sam asked before he could stop himself.

"Umm… I dunno, good luck I guess?" suggested Dean. He could tell that Sam wasn't satisfied with that answer. "Look, it's getting late, and to tell you the truth I am exhausted. Bobby is driving me crazy…..he keeps buying me decafe coffee, I mean what's wrong with him?" Dean laughed. Sam was glad that Dean was back to his usual self again. But no matter how he acted, Sam knew he was as scared as he was. "I'm gonna head back to the motel for a bit, try and get a few hours sleep. I'll be back as soon as I can." He didn't really like seeing Sam alone, but seeing as Sam looked ok, he thought it would be a good idea to get some rest.

"No," said Sam quickly. He couldn't help but remember what the demon had said to him. What if something was going to happen tonight? "Stay with me…..please?"

"Sammy what's wrong?" Dean asked after a slight pause.

"Nothing….I just…." started Sam. "Please." Dean looked at Sam's pleading eyes. What had made him so scared?

"Ok," said Dean. "I won't go."

* * *

Sorry about the wait for this one...kinda got a bit preoccupied with depression from the last Harry Potter book...oh and holidays ended

Hope you liked it! next chapter up soon!

And the demon thingo in the hospital...we tried not having that cos we didnt want to copy Kat's weight of the world fic but we couldnt resist in the end!! So we aren't copying you we swear!!!!


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